“The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step.” — Lao-tzu
So does the journey start when one is a child and knows something is different about them - or does it start when they finally stop denying to themselves what they know to be true?
This is kind of like the question about the chicken and the egg. Of course the journey starts at the moment one knows/discovers/thinks that there is something different about themselves that sets them apart from others. Every interaction, emotion, circumstance, etc. makes that person what and who they are today. And that part of the journey is extremely important to the journey of transition and becoming their authentic selves. However, for all intents and purposes, the journey I am referring to, for this post, is the journey of transition and transformation.
An officiant for the church I attend, Dignity Northern Virginia, did a homily about life transformations. He didn’t know that I was to soon have top surgery. He was talking in generalization about life itself. But I knew that this was a message from God to me - just as it was a message from God to someone else about their life. What I liked about the homily is that he used the analogy of the butterfly. I know...I know...we all know the analogy. But when you realize how much of your life you have struggled and that each time you’ve come through the struggles intact - but you’re still not that butterfly, it’s a bit of a blow to the psyche.
I thought that after my top surgery, I would be okay and wouldn’t need to do anything more, like taking hormone replacement therapy. I looked forward to settling in to my new “self” - and I did. But as the months went on, I realized, I’m not yet the butterfly - and I struggled with that. Because, you see, I hadn’t yet talked to my family which I was afraid to do.
So, with the encouragement of my wife, I took my first shot of “T”. I micro-dosed at first not only due to my age but my fear. Being female was all I ever knew (besides not yet coming out to my family). Baby-steps...small steps... I had to remind myself that this was/is a journey not a race. Going slow allowed me to grow into who and how I saw myself. It is also allowed my wife to grow with me while keeping her identity as a lesbian. Little-by-little, I was becoming my authentic self. And, in doing so, little-by-little, I found my way to talk to my parents.
I take the full dose of “T” now. I have to say that going through puberty twice in my life was not something I had bargained for but I don’t remember the first time so I get to remember and understand it the second time.
The journey is scary, exciting, confusing, and very satisfying. I took the first steps…baby steps…for many things within this journey...and I will continue to walk this journey slowly...baby-steps…
(Adapted from an earlier blog on “Final-Lee Me”, posted on 20190909)
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