The Top-Down Approach

In late April 2019, a major event happened.  I had top surgery.  For those of you who don't know what that is, it is the removal of the breasts.  The breasts, for many transgendered males, is the source of discontent, dysphoria, malcontent...you get what I'm saying.  And so it was for me as well.

This decision was not made lightly or in a vacuum.  It had been a long time coming and though scary - because it was a big change - it was also very exciting.

Decisions in businesses in the military are thought to be made at the top and moved down the triangle to be executed.  In some ways, this decision too was "made" at the top which is why for years it wasn't executed.  And by the "top", I'm meaning both God, myself, and my family.  I feel differently now about the "decision" by God but I will get to how that came about.

When I was young, I was taught by my family and the church for years that God made me and he doesn't make mistakes.  Well, I know God doesn't make mistakes but He made me, right?  So, how is it that I think like a male but I'm in a female body?  If that's not a mistake...what is it?

It's who I am.  Plain and simple.  I was made in the image of God - just as you were and everyone else on this planet.  What image is it then?  ME!  YOU!  THEM!  EVERYONE!  Yup, that's right.  I said it.  It wasn't a mistake, it was how I was made.  So this decision was made at the top - by God.  Whom, by the way, knew me before I was in the womb!  Whoa!  So my parents had no bearing on who I was going to be but created me as God intended.

So just as a business that is created and the founder of that business sets how the it is run (from the top) and those that are working for that business follow that (down) - God (top) created me and Mom and Dad followed that (down).

But now it is up to me to create the best me I can be - and that means physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  I have to make the conscious decisions to do the things that have to be done.  I have to make the decision in my brain (the top) telling the rest of my being (the down).

So how is it that I can come to make these decisions - not lightly, mind you - and have the peace that all is well with God?  I read a book titled, Conversations with God, by Neale Donald Walsch.  It allowed me to see the God of the New and Old Testaments in a different way.  Is it the Bible?  No - but it showed me how to interpret for myself the readings to have a strengthened relationship with the God.

I'm not trying to do a sermon here.  I'm just stating how I have come to make this decision and thought I would share.

In this "top-down approach", my top surgery was a decision that I made with prayer and thanksgiving.  As the date approached for the surgery, yes, I a bit nervous...but I was excited too!

It was my first step to finaLee and reaLee be me...

(Adapted from an earlier blog on “Final-Lee Me”, posted on 20190416)