"We'll start at the very beginning. It's a very good place to start." - from the Sound of Music
It is a great place to start but I doubt that my birth, which I don't remember, is going to be very exciting. After all, I ate, slept, and pooped. So I will start with when I knew I was different.
I don't remember what instance came first but I know that one time when my parents, sisters, and I were traveling, Dad let me give the money to the guy at the toll booth. Okay...to some of you who think, "wait...don't people use SmartPass?" - this was long ago in a land far away. Actually, it was in the United States but it seems now long ago...and in a time that was different...which seems like a land far away. But I digress...which I tend to do. So I had a barrette in my hair (and I can't remember why since my hair was short) and the guy says, "Thank you son." WOW! I was confused but at the same time I was excited! He recognized me as a little boy!!
Another time, I was elementary school age, I was playing with the neighborhood kids and they said that I couldn't be an army man because I was a girl. Now, I knew that technically I was a girl, but I wasn't inside. I didn't quite understand that.
There wasn't the internet and to go searching in the library would have been difficult because I didn't have a name for what I was feeling. There were no words to describe what I wanted to know. I hadn't even gone through puberty never mind understand why I fit in with the boys but girls were fascinating to me.
When I was in high school, the confusion was even more pronounced and because of it, I became somewhat shy about myself and had a distorted view of myself. I wasn't sure what I was feeling or thinking. I do know that when I dated this guy, it wasn't "right". Something was missing. I still didn't know what was going on.
It wasn't until the first year of college that I figured it out. Now, I didn't just have an epiphany. Nope. I wasn't that smart or intuitive.
I went to a classmate's house and she was going to go to a bar in another city. I wanted to go and after a bit of pleading, she consented telling me that it was a "different" kind of bar. Not knowing what she meant but needing to get out of the college area for a bit, I didn't care. Upon walking in, and seeing women dancing together, the first piece of the puzzle fell in place. At this point, I could now stated that I was a lesbian.
I had my first kiss with another woman later that year; and as exciting as that was, it wasn't all that I was feeling but I still didn't quite get it.
It wasn't until my second year that I started putting together what I was feeling. I didn't want to be a lesbian, I wanted to be a man. I was even thinking about running away and figuring out how to change my gender. But I didn't know where I would begin.
So I didn't. I stayed as I was. But now that I understood that, what was I supposed to do with that? It caused a lot of confusion. I saw that my dad has a strong dislike for homosexuality and that scared me. I was quickly learning that society as well disliked homosexuality and "transexuals". This added to the fear and confusion.
I pushed everything about me down so far that I struggled even to be who I wasn't.
I can't do that anymore. I have to be who I am - male - not female who dresses as a male - but a man - and it's not easy. I've been in a female body for 60+ years.
But - I am learning to reaLee be me...
(Adapted from an earlier blog on “Final-Lee Me”, posted on 20190331)
No comments:
Post a Comment