Accepting Ketchup

When you change, it’s hard for others to understand. The question that will be the hardest to answer and therefore to understand is “why?”. It’s like tasting the color red. As much as you want them to understand, and it’s not that they’re trying not to or don’t want to, it’s not easy. It’s not them. They are not the one changing.

I heard an executive from the Pepsi Corporation speak a couple of years ago. She stated that her mother didn’t understand her being a lesbian. She stated that she had to allow her mom to catch up to her and that made sense. I’m the one who has known me and what I was feeling. I was the one who didn’t come out t anyone until I was 59. So, it was not something that was in the back of anyone’s mind. For those 59 years, I was one way, and now I’m different - changed. So, I’m halfway through the race and they’re just starting off.

Technically, I’m catching up to myself as well. I was using one set of pronouns and now using another. Of course I’m going to use the wrong one now and then. I know that I don’t have any malice towards myself and I don’t think anyone else is using the wrong pronouns out of malice, spite, or with an intention to hurt me. Even if they did, does it change anything? Nope. The only thing it might change is that there is a high probability of you not acquainting yourself often with that person.

Think of it as if you offered someone some ketchup and they don’t like ketchup. Is that going to affect you? No again. At least I would hope not.

Accepting someone else’s differences sometimes is easy and sometimes it’s hard. But their choices, likes, dislikes, etc., for the most part, won’t hurt or affect you. In the same way, you being you is something they will have to accept or not accept. You cannot change their mind or heart - they have to.

Sometimes their acceptance or non-acceptance will have a direct affect on you and that is when you have to decide if it’s as easy as accepting ketchup or their dislike of ketchup or is it harder?

If you are at a restaurant and order something with fries, they automatically bring you ketchup. If you’re like me, I prefer mustard - don’t judge. I don’t really think the wait staff cares if you don’t want the ketchup that was served. The restaurant owner might because his overhead just went up - but I digress.

Most people don’t care what you do - who you are - etc. They don’t care if you like ketchup or not.

Live your life. Accept what you can. Discard what you need to. And be the best authentic you.

It is as it should be…

The surgery was a success and I am healing beautifully.

I didn’t have an emotional reaction the next day at the post-op appointment as perhaps some may.  I wasn’t sure what my reaction was going to be when I saw myself for the first time in fifty-some odd years.  Yet, when I saw it, I was happy.  My chest - all-be-it swollen and bruised - was how I envisioned it - for years!

The mind is a powerful thing.  It can allow you to envision and see things as you want them to be as well as lie to you.  Only you have that ability to have it be positive or negative.  Motivational speaker, Denis Waitley, stated, “Our limitations and success will be based, most often, on our own expectations for ourselves. What the mind dwells upon, the body acts upon.”

They say to write down goals and you will achieve them.  Who's they?  They are Earl Nightingale, Steve Garvey, Pablo Picasso, Norman Vincent Peale, Zig Ziglar, Michael Phelps, Ted Turner, Andrew Carnegie, Dale Carnegie, Eleanor Roosevelt, Oprah Winfrey, Albert Einstein...and I could go on.  Recognize any of these individuals.

...and so I did.  If you look up any of the individuals I mentioned, or others, you will see that they also state that looking at that goal is powerful.  I can tell you - it is.  I had it written on a white board for about 20 years to get top surgery.  Grant it, I had no idea when or if it would happen, but I had it as a goal in front of me everyday when I studied for my Masters and my PhD.

As a kid, I saw movies about or involving college & university professors and saw myself as the male professors.  I didn't really realize that I really wanted to be a professor until I was about 40 years old.  But then I had to find the right path to get there.  Okay...I'm not yet a professor...but I do have my PhD and I will be a professor.  It's a goal and I will get there.

So what does that have to do with having top surgery?  Everything.  It was a path.  It was a goal.  I had to find my way to it - and I did.  But I didn't find my way there alone.  I had a lot of people that were very supportive - my wife, my friends, my chosen family, my church, and believe this or not, my work.  I would be remiss if I didn't mention my counselor as well.  Thanking them for being there for me seems so little to say - but I mean it with all my heart.

What's really interesting is that those that didn't know I had top surgery didn't notice.  They attributed it to the weight I had lost.  And here I was expecting to have to defend myself; which I'm sure one day I will have to.

But see, I'm not saddened that they didn't notice because they see me as me...as I should be...so far...the journey still continues.

(Adapted from an earlier post on “Final-Lee Me”, posted on 20190608)